Interviewer: 60 Minutes presents a live interview with sexpert, Bettina Arndt here to talk to us about ultimate love making.
Interviewer: Bettina thank you for talking to us tonight, in our live online chat room.
Bettina Arndt: Thank you for having me here tonight.
Interviewer: Now we will go to the questions from our guests.
Anon asks: I find it frustrating that it’s always made out that the man is the one missing out. I am in the opposite boat and feel in the minority. How common is this where it’s the woman that’s missing out?
Bettina Arndt: In my research I've found about 1 in 10 women were in situation. All find it very frustrating as they are not used to being rejected. They know most of their friends have partners who are desperate for sex with them. You might like to read the stories of these women in the sex diaries. I'm sure you'll find it comforting to realise there are other women like you. I'm also involved in a new project where women in your situation are writing for me, perhaps you would like to volunteer. See my website www.bettinaarndt.com.au for more details.
lucy asks: I was watching the report on couple’s sex lives. I am getting married in 4 months. The sex in our relationship is not that good for me. It not that I am not interested or that I don't want to do it. Sex for me is for most of the time painful or uncomfortable. I am always very tense when we have intercourse because I know it is going to be painful and uncomfortable. (So as you can tell I do not get any pleasure during sex) I really want to enjoy sex and have a good sexual relationship. What can I do about this, should I be seeing some one about it?
Bettina Arndt: Yes, you must seek expert help with this. Your GP may be able to help you so that's where I would start. Don't be uncomfortable about talking about it, it's no an uncommon problem. You might like to contact me for referral to a real expert in this area. There is no reason for intercourse to be painful there is always absolution to make it a pleasurable experience for you. You must not start your married life with this problem as it will only create a chasm between you. And do talk to your fiance about this too there's no point hiding a problem like this.
mumof3 asks: Why should I make my partner happy in bed when he does not do it for me?
Bettina Arndt: Of course he should be doing it for you, and you need to talk to him about that. Have you ever really tried to communicate to him about what you like. Many women think men should know what to do but it's not always so easy for a man to know how to arouse a woman. I have a very funny chapter in my book called "A Blind Man in the Dark Searching for a Black Cat that's Never There". The title comes from one of my diarists who spent 20years trying to stimulate his wife's clitoris and has never got it right. Both men and women need to talk openly to each other about what they want. You certainly should not feel any obligation to try to please him if he's not making the effort to please you.
blissard asks: What is in your opinion the best way to boost libido?
Bettina Arndt: If you are talking about boosting female sex drive, testosterone can be helpful. It works for about half of all women who try it. You would need to talk to your doctor to see if it's appropriate for you.
jules_baker asks: I'm interested to find out if there are any herbal remedies also to boost my libido?
Bettina Arndt: There are no herbal remedies with proven benefits for increasing sexual desire. Drug companies around the world are searching for products which might help women but so far testosterone is the only thing with proven benefits. Don't waste your money on herbal rubbish.
aimhigh asks: Could you please give me your thoughts on places like AMI and the drugs they use?
Bettina Arndt: There are some clinics are being investigated by authorities around Australia because they have had so many complaints from customers about shonky expensive treatments that don't work. There is no evidence to support the products they are selling. Don't go near them.
jasmine asks: What's the best way to handle a husband that doesn't understand intimacy and making love. i.e. he just wants to have sex?
Bettina Arndt: I think it's sometimes a good idea to write him a loving letter, explaining what you want from him and why his approach doesn't light your fire. Perhaps you would like to show him some of my wonderful diarists talking about this issue so he can learn what men can do to get women in the mood.
andyfhfh asks: Where do I go when there is just no spark left what so ever?
Bettina Arndt: Many women in long term relationships report they have no spontaneous desire for their partners. There is new research showing many women in this situation can enjoy sexual arousal and pleasure if they are receptive to their partner making love to them, even though they didn't feel like it to start off with. Put the canoe in the water and start paddling, you may be surprised how much you enjoy it and if not just stop and make love to him.
freakazilla asks: Hi Bettina, We're thinking of using sex toys as part of our sex life - we've both never experienced this but seem interested in the concept. What do you suggest as a good starting point, and is this healthy?
Bettina Arndt: 35 years ago I did research on healthy women reach orgasm using masturbation, including vibrators. I'm delighted to find how many of my diarists include vibrators to provide a helpful hand in lovemaking. This is particularly for women who find it difficult to climax. There are some very good tasteful online sites offering good sex products in Australia. Take a look and I'm sure you'll find some that appeal to you.
cindy28 asks: Hi Bettina, my husband and I have a 2 year old and a 5 month old and I just don't seem to have the energy and motivation to have sex. I really enjoyed sex before the kids but since I'm struggling
Bettina Arndt: Early motherhood is a very stressful time for many women and takes a toll on the couple's love life. I had one young female diarist who was the mother of twins who told me she has apparently perfected the art of saying "get that thing away from me" - in her sleep. My diarist writes very eloquently about trying to combine motherhood with a good sex life and has good advice to offer you.
Kirra asks: I would like to know how are you suppose to get excited about sex when it is over too quick?
Bettina Arndt: It sounds as if your partner may have a problem with premature ejaculation. This is a very real issue particularly for women who enjoy intercourse and like to climax that way. There are ways men can learn to control ejaculation and there are good self-help books available to teach you these. contact me if you have difficulty finding the right material. The exciting news is there are new drugs soon to be available to help control ejaculation. You can read about those in my book "The Sex Diaries" ... don't go near clinics which claim to offer products to help with this problem, they will only rip you off.
Anthony asks: What are the first steps to making your partner (female) become more interested in making love?
Bettina Arndt: Talk to her. Ask her what she thinks would be the best approach to get her in the mood. You may like to also read some of the letters discussing this issue on the forum on my website www.bettinaarndt.com.au, where men are exchanging notes on how they do this.
KKM179 asks: Hello, I am a 30 year old women who has had some sexual partners. My last relationship lasted for 5 years, however I have never been able to reach an orgasm, can you help?
Bettina Arndt: I don't know whether you have read any of the good books available teaching women how to reach orgasm. Contact me if you would like some recommendations, I would also suggest you talk to your doctor and seek a referral to a good sex therapist in your area. Most women can be helped to learn to ready orgasm and it's a great shame to miss out on what can be a wonderful experience.
burntout asks: The story was very understated. My situation like so many other males is simply causing me to walk out. Stuff the cheating. The situation is so intractable that it is far easier to walk away from the family.
Bettina Arndt: I can understand your frustration and have had hundreds of men contact me who are in the same situation. The worry is that even if you find a new partner you may find yourself in the same situation. This is the reason I am speaking out and talking about couples' obligation to make an effort to satisfy each others sexual needs.
Benjamin asks: Do you think that a lot of couples are getting married to early in life before they have experienced a range of sexual activities which in turn would make them more active with their partners
Bettina Arndt: I don't really feel the amount of sexual experience is the key issue here. Many of my female diarists had many partners and pleasurable experiences in the past and still found they lost interest in sex as their relationship progressed. I believe there is a biological explanation for the drop off in female desire as I explain in my book.
troy asks: How do I rebuild trust after cheating on my girl friend due to lack off sex?
Bettina Arndt: I gather from what you say that you have told her about this. I think that is a pity as I am inclined to think it's better to live with the guilt than to burden your partner with this type of knowledge. But, assuming the damage has been done it may be best to seek counselling together to try to work through the issues and re-establish trust. I would advise you however, to carefully and lovingly try to explain to her the frustrations that led you astray. Commit yourself to seeking a way to work together to make sure this doesn't happen again.
freebird asks: One of the main reasons for moving away from sex is that it's become way too clinical these days. there's no fun left in it. no naughtiness. it's all about "correctness" and "timing" and it's just too darned boring! why don't u advocate some "adventure" - swinging, orgies, nudist camps, etc?
Bettina Arndt: There certainly are many people embracing the possibilities you suggest. I have many diarists writing for me who are enjoying swinging and other such adventures. This can work for some people - but not for everyone. If you read The Sex Diaries you will find there are also many couples who find ways of keeping sex alive and exciting even within a marriage or long term relationship.
baxter asks: As the male in the relationship where do you go when you have have felt rejected that you have lost interest and rely heavily on your wife to initiate most of the time?
Bettina Arndt: I think many women don't realise how dispiriting the experience of being constantly rejected can be for a male. I have many men writing for me in my new project who have lost interest in sex as a result of years of grovelling for sexual favours. There is one man who very eloquently talks about this type of experience in The Sex Diaries, perhaps you would like to show this to your wife so that she can understand how you feel.
mesh asks: My wife 53yo claims lack of hormones causes her lack of interest and no rational discussion can take place as she just blames the hormones and that is final?
Bettina Arndt: With older women, the hormonal changes that occur can cause a further decrease in sexual desire, adding to the problems that many women experience due to their fragile distractible libidos. So hormones are an issue but women in this situation may find a drug like Livial is of benefit to them. However, it sounds as if your wife is determined to shut up shop. Women can often come up with a long list of reasons why they don't feel like having sex, hormones included but I wonder how they can expect their partners to remain committed to a monogamous relationship if they absolutely refuse to maintain a sexual relationship.
toey asks: My wife and I have sex once a week, but only when she determines it. Her theory is that I am always willing. No matter how many times we have discussed the issue, she will not ever let me instigate sex or let me seduce her. Suggestions please?
Bettina Arndt: Join the club ! Our big problem is that most women believe they should not have sex unless THEY want it and that belief is causing havoc in relationships. I'm arguing that desire is a decision and that the low desire partner must put sex on the "to do" list if they want to maintain a loving intimate relationship. I strongly believe women in this situation should read what my male diarists say about the degrading experience of constant rejection. I'm receiving many letters from women telling me this has opened their eyes to what their partners are going through and helped them commit to changing their relationship.
Interviewer: I am sorry we are out of time, do you have anything else you would like to share before we finish tonight?
Bettina Arndt: It is very exciting to hear how many people are talking about this important issue and I hope that my new book will help many couples learn to walk in each others shoes and gain a better understanding of the gulf between men and women when it comes to sexual desire. Thanks again for having me here tonight.
Interviewer: Once again thank you and goodnight.
Interviewer: This concludes our chat with Bettina Arndt, Sunday July 26, 2009.
