Interviewer: Now we will go to the questions from our guests.
SecretLove asks: Dr Kalish, how long have you had an interest in reunited love?
Dr Kalish: I've been doing research on this topic since 1993. There are several parts to the study: I ran some participants from 1993 to 1996 and then other participants from 2004 to 2005 to see if there were changes. I also have a group of participants who filled out the survey but did not have reunions, to compare them with the participants who had reunited.
Foundling asks: What do you believe is the main reason that people look back in time to reunite with someone from their past?
Dr Kalish: Most people don't look back, they don't want reunions, it's just a small group of people. I think those who look back do so because there is unfinished business. The romance ended for a variety of reasons and they always wondered what might have been.
JJCAHILL asks: Do you believe it’s the reason why the relationship ended that makes the difference?
Dr Kalish: Yes I do. The people who go back to lost loves separated for situational reasons, possibly because their parents disapproved. That's why they wonder what might have been. The people who never reunited with lost loves said they parted with their first loves because they weren't getting along at the time. These are very different reasons for separations. Just to qualify that, people who said they parted because they weren't getting along did not want reunions.
jennifer_ asks: I recently connected with my "first love". Seemed ok to start with but there was a reason we broke up back then! Do many people just forget about that?
Dr Kalish: I looked at the couples to see if they broke up for the same reason twice. They did not; only 2 people broke up for the same reason the second time. This is out of over 1000 people.
damian asks: Do you think people living through old loves is healthy?
Dr Kalish: It's no different from new relationships. If people are single, divorced or widowed these reunions often work, so there's nothing unhealthy about them.
richiebrat asks: Why do women hold onto the past ? Or do men do it as much?
Dr Kalish: Men do it more ! I ask these people how long it took to get over their lost loves. The women wrote “2-3 years” or shorter, but the men wrote “over 10 years” and often added "I never got over her". It's the men who hold on. It's the men who often go looking for their lost loves, too.
Brett asks: My situation is similar to this story, and the other party, even though married, is finding the situation difficult to handle. Can you suggest ways that we could handle this so that both parties do not get hurt ?
Dr Kalish: Once you reconnect when you are married everybody gets hurt. I suggest you go to my website and read further, as it's quite a complicated question. There's no easy way out of that kind of situation. I'd like you to know you can get more information if you go to http://www.lostlovers.com
barbtheaussi asks: Are long lost loves usually one-sided?
Dr Kalish: Sometimes, but not usually. These reunions are between people who dated for a very long time and something interfered so they both wondered what could have been.
JohnC asks: Dr, have you ever heard of any instances where people have been swindled by old loves? I had this happen to me and I've since found out it’s quite common.
Dr Kalish: No, it's not common, although I do have one case out of 1000. And how many get swindled by a new love? I'm sure many more people get swindled by a new love than by an old one.
Foundling asks: As someone who successfully reunited many years later, I'm interested to know what the approximate percentage is of those who find an old flame and have a happy relationship to follow.
Dr Kalish: If they are single, divorced or widowed, most have happy relationships, 72%. That of course is a big "if". A lot of these people are in affairs: 62% of the 2004-2005 survey are affairs.
leftbehind asks: Any advice for the families that are left behind? My husband met up with his first love again on facebook. After 1 week he walked out on me and our 4 kids. We had been together for 30 years. He now lives with her, this all started 9 weeks ago tomorrow. I am still very raw emotionally as are our children.
Dr Kalish: I'm so very sorry to hear that and that's why I warn people if they are married, not to look up lost loves, not to write on Facebook. I want you to know it has nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong and could have done nothing better. It was a problem that preceded you - a ticking time bomb in your marriage. To explain further, it was an issue that preceded your marriage and was always there, you just didn't know.
Foundling asks: They say it's better to move forward and that going back won't work, so why do people look for what they had before, and not for someone new?
Dr Kalish: Because it's a myth. People say "out of sight, out of mind" - also "absence makes the heart grow fonder". These are just sayings; they are not science. The science says it works.
juju asks: I've been back in touch with my first love now since January having not seen him for 18+ years and it's back and forth. One day he's happy to have a relationship, the next it's too domestic or some other reason, but he will always call after a week or so. How do I give him up, as I'm pretty sure it's not the best situation for me?
Dr Kalish: Without knowing more details I can't really give advice. I don't know if he's married or not. Sometimes it just takes time. If he is married, it probably is not going to work, most men stay in their marriages. There is a very low percentage of people who reunite during affairs and who marry each other. One or both usually stays in the marriage.
purplesafave asks: Do you think it's better through the internet or face to face?
Dr Kalish: If we are talking about lost love, it usually moves fast from internet to phone calls to instant messaging to face to face. It does not stay on the internet, the love is too strong. That's why the married people get into trouble. They think they can just write to a lost love and there is no harm in that. They don't realise the feelings will come back. Before they know it, they are meeting face to face and there's an affair. They were not looking for trouble.
Hennigan asks: Hang on, a rekindled old relationship cannot be the same as a new love. Surely there are some differences. What's the biggest difference?
Dr Kalish: The people report that the reunion is comfortable and familiar, there is a very high level of trust and friendship and there is tremendous passion. Many of these questions tonight are coming from an assumption that these reunions cannot work, and after 16 years of researching this, in 42 countries with over 4000 couples, I can tell you that it does work. The exciting thing about doing research is sometimes you find what you didn't expect.
bronwen asks: My husband and I were together as teenagers but got together again after 15 years, what do you think of the right person, wrong time theory?
Dr Kalish: I think that's true for some people. Wrong time can mean too young. It can mean teenagers who don't know what they want and adults belittling these loves and telling teenagers "you don't know what love is" so then the teens doubt themselves. The reason that these reunions work is because they have a shared upbringing, they formed their identities together as teenagers, and they knew each other and their families well. At the heart of this phenomenon, they are close friendships, and in an adult romance, the friendship aspect matters a lot.
BARWIN5 asks: If you still have very strong feelings for an old love, even after 20 years, would seeing them help or make your feelings worse?
Dr Kalish: There is no closure, you've had the feelings for 20 years, they are part of you, and they will not go away. It will make it better if you are both single and a romance will work. If you're not both in the position for romance, it will make it much, much worse. There are ways of managing the feelings without reconnecting. Sometimes it's best to learn to manage the feelings. Check my website for this. I do private phone or email consultations for individual circumstances.
kjeffs asks: Why can feelings be so intense after 30 years of being apart and can allow you to leave a 20 year marriage in two weeks to pursue it?
Dr Kalish: You can love two people in two different ways. The lost love feelings never ended, a new romance and marriage began on top of the old feelings and it was a shaky foundation that the marriage partner did not know about. Half of all the people who are in affairs have reported that they had happy marriages. A reunion ruined the marriage and they did not expect it to do so.
jerrychillin asks: I am in a position where I have the chance to move into a much more serious relationship with my current girlfriend, yet I cant seem to let go of the thought of a previous girl I had a crush on ( but never actually dated) What do you suggest I do?
Dr Kalish: I suggest you look into the lost love issues before you go further with the girlfriend. The feelings will not go away, you can't just move on, that's what has caused all the affairs and divorces, people who thought they could move on and they can't. So my advice is don't bury the feelings hoping they will go away, work it through first. Contact the lost love and try to get some closure before you move forward with somebody else. It's not fair to your girlfriend to have that unresolved issue.
carolinak asks: Can a woman be best friends with her first love?
Dr Kalish: If he's not a lost love. Not every ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is a "lost love". With the lost love there is unresolved feelings, if it's just a person from the past maybe you can be friendly but it can be risky. Certainly if one or both of you are married, I wouldn't take the risk.
Interviewer: Unfortunately, we are out of time, do you have anything else you would like to share before we finish tonight?
Dr Kalish: This is a complicated topic and that's why it's held my interest for so long, so if anyone wants more details about lost love they can visit my website at http://www.lostlovers.com - thanks for having me here tonight.
Interviewer: Once again thank you and goodnight.
Interviewer: This concludes our chat with Dr Nancy Kalish, Sunday June 21, 2009.
