Chat: Lucia

Lucia: I’m a dating and relationship expert and I specialise in Cougar relationships. I’ve written a book called Lucia’s Lessons of Love, I have a syndicated column and I host a radio show on LA Talk Radio. Thanks for having me.

raguoc asks: Lucia, what is the criteria to be considered a 'cougar'?

Lucia: A cougar is an attractive, in shape, healthy woman over 40 who generally only dates younger men.

christina asks: With so many young girls these days getting so drunk and foul mouthed and thinking its cool, no wonder men are going for older women. Our biggest sexual organ is our brain, men want someone that stimulates them mentally as well as sexually, do you think this is part of the attraction for the younger men?

Lucia: Oh I know it is, because the younger men that write to me say they can’t relate to women their age, and these are men who are old souls trapped in young bodies. And the idea of talking to someone who they can’t relate to is a big turn off, hence why they turn to younger women.

tony asks: So what makes you get with young men, rather than men your own age?

Lucia: I’ve never been married, so in a certain way I’ve never had to grow up the same way many people do who are married with kids. Because you can’t totally focus on yourself when you get married and have children. So I’m young at heart with a child like spirit, so the life I lead is like someone in their 20s. I work out a lot, I keep up with music, my time is my own and I find I relate better with younger men.

reillyd asks: I loved the topic. But it didn't mention where, for intelligent young but mature men to FIND cougars.

Lucia: Well, it’s not like they gather in one place. It seems the men here are asking the same question, I understand there are Cougar dating events in Australia and I myself have started my own Cougar speed dating event in LA, but other than that, you just need to keep your eyes open because Cougars are everywhere and it’s just a matter of when you see an attractive older woman, first see if she is wearing a wedding ring. And if she’s not, approach her and strike up a conversation and if she is interested she will respond positively.

youwantitwhe asks: Is it not a double standard, older guys go for trophy younger women and they are considered to be having a mid-life crisis?

Lucia: Well a lot of people are also saying the women are having mid-life crisis. Men date younger women for years, and they may be said to have a mid-life crisis and yet it is still more acceptable than an older woman dating a younger guy. So what I’m trying to do is change that perception and make it okay for older women to date younger men because a lot of them are still ashamed and there is no need for that.

heather asks: What’s are your top 5 tips for cougars?

Lucia: I teach these in my cougar classes: 1. Don’t make the finances your sole responsibility, even if you have more money, you need to remember he is still male and he wants to feel masculine. 2. Don’t have a know-it-all attitude, just because you are older doesn’t mean you know everything, I’m sure there are things he knows that you don’t know. 3. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed, you are not doing anything wrong. 4. Don’t buy the gifts too soon otherwise it will look like you are trying to buy him, and you may be setting yourself up as a Sugar Mama instead of a girlfriend. 5. Don’t under estimate him because of his age, just because he is younger doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what time is it. Guys these days are very savvy, sexually and otherwise.

Binga asks: What’s the best way to approach an older women? I'm 28 and its pretty nerve racking trying to chat to one.

Lucia: The first thing you have to do is not get all concerned because we love confidence, and so if you approach with fear it will come across and it is not attractive. So try to be more confident. And secondly, don’t use a pick up line, we’ve been there, done that heard all the lines. We’ll write you off as very shallow. Use situational conventions. For example: If you stand in line at a coffee shop, ask them what is a good drink to order, just strike up a convention as you would anyone.

margb1509 asks: I was wondering why they are calling the women cougars, as it showed on the program and I know in my own experience that it's the men that are chasing us?

Lucia: That’s true. Believe it or not, the term actually began in Canada in the directing room for a hockey team, they called the older attractive women who came to their games Cougars. Obviously you are right, it’s generally the men approaching the women, and the predator aspect of the Cougar is just one way to look at it. I look at it positively, in that cougars are sleek, strong, sexy, confident and in control. And so when you look at them that way, it’s a pretty attractive title.

C-urious asks: Why do you feel the need to "teach" women how to be cougars??

Lucia: Because dating younger men is different and as I mentioned earlier in the 5 points, women do make mistakes and they start trying to pay for everything, or have a know-it-all attitude and it can kill a budding relationship. I teach a 3 hr relationship and I need all 3 hrs.

malecougar asks: Do you think trying to meet a man is a game?

Lucia: I don’t think trying to meet a man is a game, but trying to attract one and keep one is a game. We’re all trying to meet each other, and the reason it’s a game is because of how we are wired. Especially men, while they do want to be loved, they also have a need to be free, so you have to walk that fine line to be with them, and also give them space.

HoldenGirl asks: Lucia what's the youngest guy you have dated. How many years difference??

Lucia: The youngest would be 18 years. 18 years difference, not 18 years old.

guest asks: Do you think that seeking out younger men is about satisfying their ego?

Lucia: I’m sure ego and being flattered is a part of it, you can’t deny it. You’re an older women, and an attractive 19 year old is hitting on you, it’s a nice thing. But it’s not all of it, As I said, most women who date younger men can relate to them better, men their age are boring and they don’t want to be around people are who boring.

Gilbert asks: How big of an age gap is too big, is there such a thing?

Lucia: Well believe it or not, there isn’t such a thing. Because it isn’t about age, it’s about energy and chemistry and so if you find someone who you click with, it really doesn’t matter. Obviously, it’s not often that there will be a 31 age difference as the couple on the show tonight, but it generally seems to top out at around 15-20 years, being the biggest age difference I usually see.

chmp_cub asks: What are young men called if they only target cougars?

Lucia: They are called cubs.

azza1974 asks: Would it be true in saying that cougars have seen and heard every pick up line in the book, so therefore a simple hello and a smile would be all would be that would be need ?

Lucia: Absolutely, a hello and a smile to start, but hopefully you will follow it up with some interesting conversation.

john asks: What do u say to the term "cradle snatcher"?

Lucia: I just laugh. There is nothing to say, those are just people who are closed minded and maybe even jealous.

Pixie asks: What do you think the mothers of these younger men think?

Lucia: That’s actually one of the things I talk about in my class and obviously most of the time they are not very happy to see their son bringing home someone close to their age. Few are open minded and accepting, but most aren’t. I tell the women to not try and win them over straight away, give it time and when she sees that you do love her son she will warm up to you slowly. It is obviously not someone you usually deal with in a “normal” relationship.

Cole asks: What do you find is the most exhilarating thing about dating a younger man? Don't younger guys sometimes seem immature and don't you ever feel that you want to settle down with an older guy and maybe one day have a family?

Lucia: No. I’ve never had the desire to get married or to have children, and besides most women who date younger guys, they’ve already had children and don’t want to go through that again. I find that guys who are interested in older women, are more mature than most guys their age. But they are still “young” guys so once and a while they still do a few immature things, but being older you understand that, But for the most part they are quite mature and almost feel a bit of pressure to be more mature. Besides the great sex, just the fact that they have youth and energy is the more exhilarating thing about dating younger guys.

MissT asks: What do you suggest for women who are not perhaps quite as attractive as the women on tonight’s show?

Lucia: You don’t need to be that attractive to date younger men, as long as you are well put together and you take care of yourself and you’re staying fit and healthy, that’s the most important thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

stefano asks: Lucia, do you teach your students how to deal with the stigma of being deemed a 'cradle snatchers'?

Lucia: I teach them that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to date a younger man and that they should be proud of the fact that a younger man wants to date them. And they shouldn’t let closed minded people control how they feel.

Sarah asks: Is there a big difference performance wise in the bedroom or because cougars are in shape they can keep up and satisfy their men.

Lucia: Actually the younger men and older women are quite compatible, since younger men and older women also have high sex drives. Especially are women, they are older, they know what they want, they are more experienced, aren’t afraid to ask for what they want or instruct the guys and most guys are willing to learn.

steve asks: What are your top 5 five tips for men who are looking for cougars?

Lucia: 1. Be confident, because you don’t want someone who is shy and scared. 2. Be willing to let the women teach if you aren’t confident or haven’t had much experience in the bedroom. 3. Don’t play games, because we know all the games and you aren’t going to be able to get away with anything. 4. In terms of where to meet older women, don’t feel as in you need to go the opera, if we wanted to go to those sort of places we’d be dating older guys. Since we are dating younger guys, we don’t mind going to a club or rock concert.

robbo asks: Should we treat these women any different to women of our own age?

Lucia: That will depend on how you treat women your own age. Treat all women or any age well anyways. However, don’t feel that you have to be overly mature, because the reason she is attracted to you is for your youth. If you try to be too mature, she’ll be just as bored with you as if she was dating a 40 year old.

Curious asks: How does one hold on to a younger man?

Lucia: The number one reason younger men love older women is confident, so you should be confident in yourself, and not worry about holding on. He should be worrying about whether he can keep you.

Luke asks: What sort of relationship would most cougars be looking for in a younger male? Is it specifically aesthetic, or do you try to develop a long term relationship?

Lucia: There seems to be two types of relationship, there are some cougars who are strictly looking for sex, might have just gotten out of a long term relationship and are just looking for a bootie call or friend with benefits. And then there are other cougars who are only willing to date younger men do want a long term relationship.

kj2204 asks: I didn't find out my man was 8 yrs younger until after the fact, how do I tell him without scaring him away?

Lucia: I always say to not bring up the age thing unless the relationship looks like it’s going to be permanent and committed, because as I always say, it’s not about age its about energy. So it really doesn’t matter, and besides, 8 years is not even a big different. He is attracted to you as a person, not as an age.

christina asks: Do you think society is what controls our thoughts on this more than our own personal opinions or desires, because it is till widely considered taboo.

Lucia: I think part of it is society and part of it is because that’s just the way it’s always been. So when you bring in a new concept, it’s a very hard pill for people to initially swallow. Because once you are over 40, people think you need to go away and not show your face. Now people realise women over 40 are vibrate and attractive, so it will take a while for society to catch up. I think in 10 years it won’t be as a big a deal as it is today.

growupladies asks: Do you think that these ladies are just scared of getting old?

Lucia: I think everyone is afraid of getting old.

Salient asks: Do you exclusively date younger men, or would you date a man the same age as you?

Lucia: If I were to find a man the same age as me or older who had the youthful energy and vitality of a younger man, I would certainly not write him off. But he also needs to be in shape.

MissT asks: You say besides the great sex - what about if you find a younger man that you are attracted to and get on well with - only to find out that he has no idea how to please a woman?

Lucia: Then you have two choices, you either move on or help him and teach him.

Wadji asks: Do you think that the young men will leave the cougar for someone there own age when the adventure and excitement has worn off??

Lucia: There are two types of guys, the ones who date cougars for a bit, they find it exciting, but eventually they do want to marry someone their age. And then are the men who are only attracted to older women, and even as they get older they are still only attracted to older women.

christina asks: Do you really believe that this sort of relationship can be long term?

Lucia: It can be and it is, and I know it’s hard to believe, but there are a lot of couples where the women are 10 -15 years older and the relationship is just as strong as any other relationship.

raguoc asks: What is your opinion of the older male that goes for the younger female, Heffner for example?

Lucia: Society seems to accept that and understand that a lot more because men are always trying to raise their alpha male status and to have a younger women on their arm, raises their status and makes they feel more manly and powerful.

MissT asks: Can you suggest or do you know of any web sites specifically for cougars and cubs please?

Lucia: Yes, that would be the website that I am the dating expert on. And that would be www.urbancougar.com

Interviewer: Unfortunately, we are out of time, do you have anything else you would like to share before we finish tonight?

Lucia: For anyone has anymore questions, send them to lucia@theartoflove.net. If you want to read some of my book, visit www.lessonsoflove.net and my general website is www.theartoflove.net.

Interviewer: Once again thank you and goodnight.

Interviewer: This concludes our chat with Lucia, Sunday April 19, 2009.